I've never really been through a break up before. Oh, there was this girl at school, blonde and pretty. I liked to pretend she was a dead ringer for ABBA's Agnetha. Funnily enough, we went on a date to see ABBA The Movie. There's class for you. But she had a tall and hunky boy after her, and he threatened me and told me to back off. I did so quite willingly. Mainly because I was scared of him, as he was six foot and I was five. He would have made mincemeat of me. But also, because...I fancied him more than her to be honest.
But today I had a sort of break up. A guy I met online, then met in real life, who is married but in an open relationship. We hit it off big time. The chemistry is electric. But I am not in an open relationship, and he doesn't want anything involving commitment because his wife might feel threatened. So a dead end. Complicated? you bet. See? ABBA were right. Breaking up really isn't easy. Not that there is much to break up. Shame though, as we had so much in common.
Ridiculously, this has really knocked me sideways. He sent and long message outlining how things stood and reading between the lines I could see he was setting me free. So I replied in clear terms - no worries and thanks for the friendship - but this is where the story ends; this is goodbye.
Unfortunately this happened on a day full of other challenges. And so my first real possible gay love came to nothing.
Perhaps it's as well. Tonight I want to forget the whole thing. I want to stay married, and not be gay. Especially not be gay.
Trouble is... I am.
Monday, 30 March 2015
Tuesday, 24 March 2015
So here I am...
My days are framed with tears. I cry when I get up, and I cry when I go to bed. It's because that's thinking time. When I am busy I am coping. Just. Maybe I will cry when I write this. It was my therapists idea. Keep a journal, he said. I started with pen and paper, but I thought I'd set up an incognito blog, because it's easier for me to look back and access, but also others like me might stumble across it and find something relevant. Heaven only knows, that I have searched all over the internet for support.
As you will have guessed by now, I expect, I recently came out. It was quite a big deal. I mean REALLY big, because although I know in my heart of hearts that I have been gay since I was 12 years old, I only came out in January, aged 50.
Why now? perhaps I'll cover that in other posts. The real significance here is that I appear to the world as a happy straight guy, married with a son, living the dream.
OK, so that's NOT TRUE. Every day... EVERY SINGLE DAY... has been a struggle. I married because I fell in love. I thought marriage would work. I wanted the happy ending. I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted the happy family. I got them all. But I was still gay.
Before telling my wife in January, I had never even kissed a man, let alone had sex. I kept myself committed to this relationship for over 20 years. Before I met my wife, there had been no relationships with anyone of either sex. I was almost 30 before I had sex for the first time - and that was with my wife. She was the only person I'd ever been with.
As I write this I am torn and unhappy. I have contemplated suicide so often the thought seems almost like an old friend. I have told only my wife and a handful of other people that I am gay. And I don't know what I should do next.
Can I really leave my wife and son? He is almost grown up now. But even so, can I put my happiness ahead of theirs? I don't know if I can. I feel ambivalent about the gay word. I can't quite make it fit me. Yet I know it is who I am. I don't recognise myself when I look in a mirror. Although that may be the bulimia - I've lost a stone in weight.
I met some other "Gay Dads" recently, hoping to make sense of it all. I told them, I felt I was falling back into the closet, the door slowly closing on me.
And one of them smiled and said:
"You should get OUT more".
As you will have guessed by now, I expect, I recently came out. It was quite a big deal. I mean REALLY big, because although I know in my heart of hearts that I have been gay since I was 12 years old, I only came out in January, aged 50.
Why now? perhaps I'll cover that in other posts. The real significance here is that I appear to the world as a happy straight guy, married with a son, living the dream.
OK, so that's NOT TRUE. Every day... EVERY SINGLE DAY... has been a struggle. I married because I fell in love. I thought marriage would work. I wanted the happy ending. I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted the happy family. I got them all. But I was still gay.
Before telling my wife in January, I had never even kissed a man, let alone had sex. I kept myself committed to this relationship for over 20 years. Before I met my wife, there had been no relationships with anyone of either sex. I was almost 30 before I had sex for the first time - and that was with my wife. She was the only person I'd ever been with.
As I write this I am torn and unhappy. I have contemplated suicide so often the thought seems almost like an old friend. I have told only my wife and a handful of other people that I am gay. And I don't know what I should do next.
Can I really leave my wife and son? He is almost grown up now. But even so, can I put my happiness ahead of theirs? I don't know if I can. I feel ambivalent about the gay word. I can't quite make it fit me. Yet I know it is who I am. I don't recognise myself when I look in a mirror. Although that may be the bulimia - I've lost a stone in weight.
I met some other "Gay Dads" recently, hoping to make sense of it all. I told them, I felt I was falling back into the closet, the door slowly closing on me.
And one of them smiled and said:
"You should get OUT more".
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